Thunder's Rumblings: September 2011

One of my all time favorite passages of scripture is found at the end of Matthew 6.

"...Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin: And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Wherefore, if God so clothes the grass of the field, which to day is and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith? Therefore take no thought, saying What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? ... for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you."

I love these words, I love the concept of the Lord taking care of us, of seeking the kingdom of God and not worrying about anything else, but it's not an easy thing for me to do.

I am a planner. I like to make lists. I like to budget. I like to save. I like to know what tomorrow (or the next 10 years) will bring. I like to be in control. And, I'm proud and stubborn and I think I know everything. So, when things don't turn out as planned, it's hard for me. I get scared. I panic. I don't deal with it very well.

I feel like that's been the story of my life for the past 3 years or so--the fear, the panic, the "not dealing so well".

We had been wanting another child ever since Haley was 1 1/2. After a pregnancy ended in miscarriage, we felt prompted that we needed to go to China for a year. What a remarkable experience it was for our family, something we would have never even considered with a young baby or one on the way. I was sure, though, that as soon as we arrived home and got settled, I would be able to get pregnant and it would be the perfect time for another child to come into our family.

Over the next few years, our family had many trials. Things that I could never have predicated and definitely couldn't control. Things that were really hard for me. Through it all, I kept wishing, hoping for another child. I began wondering if it wasn't supposed to happen. If I should just forget about it. I was given a blessing that said everything was fine and it would happen when it was supposed to happen. So, I stopped trying to plan and started trying to trust.

When I found out I was pregnant, it was at a time when the stress and trials were so overwhelming. I was working long hours, both day and night. We didn't have enough money. We didn't have adequate insurance. The kids were struggling. We had just lost a loved one. My marriage was weak. My whole family was worn thin. And we were just so busy trying to stay afloat. I didn't even realize I was pregnant (the thing I had been longing and yearning for) because I was so preoccupied in just getting through daily life. It didn't possibly feel like the ideal time. And while I was sincerely excited and grateful, it was overshadowed by more fear and panic. I couldn't see how everything was going to work out.

As I look back over the last 3 years of my life, they have been, without a doubt, the most difficult. I feel like I have been tried and tested in every facet of my life. I feel like my family has been under constant attack. While we haven't always dealt with it perfectly and are still dealing with a lot of things, we have learned so much, we have grown so much. We still aren't free from trials, but we are strong.

Recently, we received the ultimate blessing for our family--our beautiful little girl, Lily Emily Kemp. I can see now that the Lord's timing may not be our timing, but it is the perfect timing. When we can't figure out how everything is going to work out, He can. He will take care of us. He will bless us. And He will do so abundantly.

In the future, when I am afraid and feel out of control, I will "consider my Lily" and remember to trust in everything Heavenly Father has in store for me.